So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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