This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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