Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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