I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
