And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
