I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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