I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
