new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
