we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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