No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
