also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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