I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
