my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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