i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
