my phone needs a breathalizer
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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