he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
