That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
