i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize