this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
