I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
