How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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