ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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