Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Someone signed my nipple.
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