Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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