im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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