I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize