are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
