Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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