Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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