He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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