I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
