so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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