You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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