I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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