I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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