Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
