oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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