I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
