This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
