our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
