he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
