it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
