And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I stole a fireplace last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
