get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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