Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
