I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
