I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
