I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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