I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize