you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
