i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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