last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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