I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
