I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
