I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
