Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize